Top Ten: Things That Don't Make You A Runner

Let's face it, a lot of runners are cocky, arrogant or elitist. Running is competitive, it comes with the territory. There is a lot of literature out there on what makes someone a runner: "You know you're a runner if..." Sure completing your first half marathon could be your defining moment, the moment you knew you were a runner. But what do us long time running elitist snobs think?

Subtly I have picked up on some traits that definitely don't make you a runner. I am not about to rant about mile times and mileage volume.  Running is one of the few sports easily shared by athletes of different ability levels.  No I am talking about running culture.

Top Ten Things That Don't Make You A Runner

1- Runs are measured not in distance or time but in calories burned.
You have confused the activity of running with Weight Watchers or 12 Minute Abs.

2- The fuel belt is a daily running accessory.
You wore a fanny pack in middle school gym class, didn't you?

3- Running in shorts that are baggy or knee length are comfortable.
You also tried out for the high school swim team in cut offs and a pair of 'water shoes'.

4- The tech shirt from the race expo was so fashionable you raced in it.
This isn't the NBA draft.  We don't walk around and give interviews in our new gear.

5- You paid for coaching.
You paid for sex.

6- Runner's World is a worthy source of training and racing tips for you.
It's great that you built a bicycle from erector sets and an old tricycle manual but I don't want to ride it.

7- There is a 13.1 or 26.2 bumper sticker on your car.
Tramp stamps and teardrops.

8- The name Steve Prefontaine escapes you.
This is like telling a rock cover band about Kurt Cobain.

9- You were pleasantly surprised when the 5 kilometer road race ended shortly after mile three.
If your next thought is marathon I strongly suggest consulting a distance calculator.

10- You have been caught egregiously self seating at road races.
Your fifteen seconds of running fame: Look ma I'm on tv!  I'm the one wearing basketball shorts and a fuel belt sprinting ahead of the Kenyan.